These last few days have been trying. A few weeks ago I was bright, idealistic, and had no idea what I was signing up for when I enrolled in the Oxford Seminar TEFL course. I knew it would an intensive three weeks, but I trusted that I would get through whatever the course hurled my way. What I had not imagined:
1- There was no way I was going to be able to get all the reading done, especially in the last week during the lesson planning.
2- I was going to over-think all my lesson plans and try to cram too much in one lesson, just so I could get my creative fix.
3- The idea of failure, and the differing critiques almost prevented me from going through with the lesson plan.
Not fun. Didn’t I say I was ready to accept failure, to embrace the unknown? Didn’t I say school was done and over, I had moved on, the old me was gone and here, here was a brand new me?
And all the important questions came flooding. Did I even want to become a teacher, to force students to listen to the rules, to learn things they didn’t want to, to feel bad about themselves? Did I want to run into impossible people, and have my lesson plans torn apart again and again? Did I want to put my entire life aside just to put together one plan? I’ve only been in this course for three weeks and my apartment was already in shambles- dishes not done, turnip scraps on the counter and posters strewn across the floor? Had my place fallen apart already, after clearing it up place three weeks ago? It was like I did not even know myself.
I faced my fear of failure, and wrote my posters. It could be the world’s worst lesson plan and it did not matter, I had to perform. I paid for this class and I was going to present whether I failed or not.
Today I face a new dilemma. I passed. After having these intense revelations. Now knowing that I can in fact finish the grammar part of my certificate and really teach abroad, dare I? As exciting as the prospects may be, can I force myself to go through a year of the same emotional trials? Or have I proven to myself that I can do this, that I can survive?